Confession time…. I have slipped. I have not been consistently counting or tracking points and I’ve just been eating bad more often than not. But I have been dealing with some issues and frankly, it was just one thing too much. Cop out? Bad attitude? Excuses? Some might say yes, but my answer is no, and I will tell you why.
For the last couple of months, I have been dealing with some anxiety. Anxiety is nothing new to me – I dealt with it back in 2009 and 2010 when infertility got the best of me. In addition to anxiety, I was diagnosed with moderate depression. Who could blame me after the roller coaster we rode for almost 4 years? I was put on Wellbutrin daily for depression and Xanax as needed for the anxiety. Over time, I was able to manage everything better and I stopped taking both prescriptions. I didn’t want to take them to begin with but I needed help. The medication didn’t magically solve our infertility issues, but it helped me deal with them and cope better day to day. And over time, running and working out became my go-to therapy for whatever ailed me.
So when my anxiety started to flare up again, I was not happy. This time around it’s due to work stress and things that are out of my control. I was waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest, the feeling of panic very overwhelming. I tried to ignore it, but it got the best of me. Even running was not helping. I decided to go back to the doctor and see what I could do since the circumstances causing my anxiety are not easy to change. I was also not myself and that made it more difficult.
Going in for my appointment, I had one giant concern. I knew I would leave with a prescription for something, but whatever it was could NOT cause weight gain. When I took the Wellbutrin, I was told that some people actually lose weight on it. Well, not me. I gained weight. It may not have been the Wellbutrin exactly – probably my depression and anxiety in general but still. After coming this far with my weight loss (again), I cannot go back to that 178 pound person I was in 2012. I just can’t.
This time around, my doctor decided that Wellbutrin would likely not work for me because it’s for depression, not anxiety. And what I am currently dealing with is mostly anxiety. The kind that makes me imagine every possible bad thing I can imagine. I can so easily get lost in my own head. And the anxiety was causing me to worry about things that weren’t even happening. It was just downright scary.
So, she prescribed a low-dose of Zoloft which will help with anxiety, as well as depression. I also have Xanax to take only as needed if I’m having particularly bad anxiety and feeling really overwhelmed. There is a chance of weight gain with Zoloft, but she felt that given my weight loss, my knowledge of HOW to eat properly, and my running, I can avoid that.
I have been on the Zoloft now for two weeks and I do feel a difference. Again, the stress and issues causing my anxiety were not magically fixed, but I am able to cope with things better. I do not feel so anxious or in a panic as I did before. I have not woken up with my heart pounding out of my chest in awhile and I am more restful at night. I can manage problems as they arise better without freaking out. I am feeling much more optimistic than pessimistic.
While typing all this is not the easiest thing to do, I am doing it because it’s okay to need help. It’s okay to reach out. And if my experience can help someone, well then that makes me feel a little better.
What does this all mean for my weight loss and Weight Watchers? The scale has not been going down as I want it to and that needs to change. I skipped my meeting last Saturday for no reason other than I wanted to sleep in. I miss that drive and motivation I had to get up and go to every Saturday morning meeting regardless of how I ate that week. I could face the scale no matter what. But the last several weeks I have not felt that way and that bothers me.
So yesterday morning, I ignored the desire to sleep in and got up and went to my beloved meeting, ready to face whatever the scale said. The world did not come to a screeching halt and I did not fall apart when I saw the scale. I expected it. That’s what happens when you don’t work the program.
Here’s a recap starting with where I left off on May 17, my last WW update.
It’s a miracle that I skipped three weeks and maintained my previous weight. I was shocked. I was not shocked to see that I was up 2.4 pounds this week. I fully expected it.
Back in January, I was down to 146.4 lbs. and from their I’ve been fluctuating. Up some, down some, and now here I am up 10 pounds from that lowest point. BUT! in the grand scheme of things, I am still down 21.8 pounds since I went back to WW in January 2013. I’ve come a long way, but I want to see this graph go back down….
Weight loss is hard work. And it will be a lifetime of hard work. Add in some anxiety and it’s a recipe for disaster for me because then I don’t care. And that’s not good. Getting on the scale yesterday morning was a reminder of what I need to do and how I have to get back to that place where I didn’t let anything stop me from taking care of myself. I can’t not take care of myself. It’s not good for me, for hubby, or my family.
Besides watching what I eat, it also means spending quality time with hubby, going to hot yoga, running, working out, and doing things that I enjoy with family and friends. Or like yesterday morning…. I went to the bookstore after breakfast and spent two hours there drinking coffee and browsing books. It was nice and relaxing. Laying on the couch and getting lost in my own thoughts isn’t good for anyone, especially me.
My goal is still 140 pounds – that’s 16 pounds to go. It means buckling down, counting points, and tracking. But it also means cooking and enjoying recipes and foods that I love. Feeling better will let me get back to that. And my goodness, I have a marathon to train for! I can do it – weight loss, marathon, and all.
If you are still with me on this long post, thank you. I’ve been wanting to put this into words and this morning it finally spilled out of me.
I saw this on Weight Watchers Instagram yesterday and it really hit home. No matter what we are going through, what we are facing, we still have to take care of ourselves – and we can still shine.