Confession time…. I have slipped. I have not been consistently counting or tracking points and I’ve just been eating bad more often than not. But I have been dealing with some issues and frankly, it was just one thing too much. Cop out? Bad attitude? Excuses? Some might say yes, but my answer is no, and I will tell you why.
For the last couple of months, I have been dealing with some anxiety. Anxiety is nothing new to me – I dealt with it back in 2009 and 2010 when infertility got the best of me. In addition to anxiety, I was diagnosed with moderate depression. Who could blame me after the roller coaster we rode for almost 4 years? I was put on Wellbutrin daily for depression and Xanax as needed for the anxiety. Over time, I was able to manage everything better and I stopped taking both prescriptions. I didn’t want to take them to begin with but I needed help. The medication didn’t magically solve our infertility issues, but it helped me deal with them and cope better day to day. And over time, running and working out became my go-to therapy for whatever ailed me.
So when my anxiety started to flare up again, I was not happy. This time around it’s due to work stress and things that are out of my control. I was waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest, the feeling of panic very overwhelming. I tried to ignore it, but it got the best of me. Even running was not helping. I decided to go back to the doctor and see what I could do since the circumstances causing my anxiety are not easy to change. I was also not myself and that made it more difficult.
Going in for my appointment, I had one giant concern. I knew I would leave with a prescription for something, but whatever it was could NOT cause weight gain. When I took the Wellbutrin, I was told that some people actually lose weight on it. Well, not me. I gained weight. It may not have been the Wellbutrin exactly – probably my depression and anxiety in general but still. After coming this far with my weight loss (again), I cannot go back to that 178 pound person I was in 2012. I just can’t.
This time around, my doctor decided that Wellbutrin would likely not work for me because it’s for depression, not anxiety. And what I am currently dealing with is mostly anxiety. The kind that makes me imagine every possible bad thing I can imagine. I can so easily get lost in my own head. And the anxiety was causing me to worry about things that weren’t even happening. It was just downright scary.
So, she prescribed a low-dose of Zoloft which will help with anxiety, as well as depression. I also have Xanax to take only as needed if I’m having particularly bad anxiety and feeling really overwhelmed. There is a chance of weight gain with Zoloft, but she felt that given my weight loss, my knowledge of HOW to eat properly, and my running, I can avoid that.
I have been on the Zoloft now for two weeks and I do feel a difference. Again, the stress and issues causing my anxiety were not magically fixed, but I am able to cope with things better. I do not feel so anxious or in a panic as I did before. I have not woken up with my heart pounding out of my chest in awhile and I am more restful at night. I can manage problems as they arise better without freaking out. I am feeling much more optimistic than pessimistic.
While typing all this is not the easiest thing to do, I am doing it because it’s okay to need help. It’s okay to reach out. And if my experience can help someone, well then that makes me feel a little better.
What does this all mean for my weight loss and Weight Watchers? The scale has not been going down as I want it to and that needs to change. I skipped my meeting last Saturday for no reason other than I wanted to sleep in. I miss that drive and motivation I had to get up and go to every Saturday morning meeting regardless of how I ate that week. I could face the scale no matter what. But the last several weeks I have not felt that way and that bothers me.
So yesterday morning, I ignored the desire to sleep in and got up and went to my beloved meeting, ready to face whatever the scale said. The world did not come to a screeching halt and I did not fall apart when I saw the scale. I expected it. That’s what happens when you don’t work the program.
Here’s a recap starting with where I left off on May 17, my last WW update.
It’s a miracle that I skipped three weeks and maintained my previous weight. I was shocked. I was not shocked to see that I was up 2.4 pounds this week. I fully expected it.
Back in January, I was down to 146.4 lbs. and from their I’ve been fluctuating. Up some, down some, and now here I am up 10 pounds from that lowest point. BUT! in the grand scheme of things, I am still down 21.8 pounds since I went back to WW in January 2013. I’ve come a long way, but I want to see this graph go back down….
Weight loss is hard work. And it will be a lifetime of hard work. Add in some anxiety and it’s a recipe for disaster for me because then I don’t care. And that’s not good. Getting on the scale yesterday morning was a reminder of what I need to do and how I have to get back to that place where I didn’t let anything stop me from taking care of myself. I can’t not take care of myself. It’s not good for me, for hubby, or my family.
Besides watching what I eat, it also means spending quality time with hubby, going to hot yoga, running, working out, and doing things that I enjoy with family and friends. Or like yesterday morning…. I went to the bookstore after breakfast and spent two hours there drinking coffee and browsing books. It was nice and relaxing. Laying on the couch and getting lost in my own thoughts isn’t good for anyone, especially me.
My goal is still 140 pounds – that’s 16 pounds to go. It means buckling down, counting points, and tracking. But it also means cooking and enjoying recipes and foods that I love. Feeling better will let me get back to that. And my goodness, I have a marathon to train for! I can do it – weight loss, marathon, and all.
If you are still with me on this long post, thank you. I’ve been wanting to put this into words and this morning it finally spilled out of me.
I saw this on Weight Watchers Instagram yesterday and it really hit home. No matter what we are going through, what we are facing, we still have to take care of ourselves – and we can still shine.
I am sorry work stress is causing you so much trouble : ( but glad you are getting the help you need. Also, one of my favorite things to do in the world is browse books in the book store while sipping on a coffee. Also also, YOU CAN DO THIS. -Signed Team Nanci fan
Thank you, Lisa. I am touched by everyone’s words of encouragement. Thanks for being a fan of Team Nanci. 🙂
I know you are going to succeed. I believe you are strong and resilliant- you have always been an encouragement to me. I too need to get back on the program after 2 weeks of total indulgence. We can do this!
Thank you, Patti! I hope to see you soon, miss chatting with you at the meetings.
You are truly amazing! I loved this post and how open and honest you were. You have come such a long way and to admit and know where your downfalls are, is the first big step. Way to go Lady!!! You are such an inspiration to me. I have had the same up down roller coaster ride with the scale this year too, one week up, next week down, but the key is just sticking to it and your doing it! Well done!!
Thank you so much, Angelina. You inspire me as well. We can do this!
I am sorry to hear about the stress and aniexty you’ve been suffering. At least, you’re seeing the changes in you now and working towards making them better and getting yourself back on track. Way to go for that. I was there up until a few weeks ago. I am about 15 pounds from my lowest point last year and am determined to pass that and be at my goal weight by March. We can do this!
Thanks Sabrina! I know there will always be ups and downs and I am determined to get back to it. Yes, we can do this!
Doing good unlike me my weight loss efforts have frozen due to the cold
Thank you so much for your honesty. I am having a really tough time right now and reading your honest thoughts on the medication from the doctor and WW both are helpful.
I am glad you found this helpful, Abby. It really does help to hear from others sometimes, which is why I chose to share my struggles. You always inspire me, keep it up!
Great post! Sometimes weight loss is not the only thing going in our lives. And, really, looking at your graph I think that you’ve done really well given the situation and the medication.
Glad to hear that you got the help you needed and the slight bump up in weight after the 3 weeks skipped weeks isn’t bad at all. You can do this and things will head back in the right direction. You are an inspiration and thanks for being so open and honest. I’m sure it will help lots of other folks, dealing with similar issues!
Oh Nanci I’m so sorry. I run for the therapy too but sometimes it’s not enough. I’m inspired by your honesty & impressed w/your progress everyday. You are inspiring & have such a beautiful soul. I’m sending you big hugs & Lloyd sends big sloppy dog breath kisses.
You are so brave. I also know the struggle of depression and the crush of it. I also struggle with my weight. You are such a success story. This is just another chapter.