Posts tagged fear
I usually try to keep things very upbeat on my blog, but today I am just going to spit all this out for fear that if I don’t, it will explode. That just wouldn’t be pretty, would it? Here goes…
I want… To not be stressed. I stress about everything. It can’t be good for me, right?
I want… To be able to take a real vacation with hubby. Just the two of us. For more than one day. (note to self: buy winning lottery ticket tonight)
I want… For it to be fall. Seriously, I’m done with this awful heat and humidity.
I want… To enjoy the beaches that we live so close too. Other than my Sunday morning run over the causeway bridge, the closest I’ve gotten to the beach was a survey I did for work the other day . It looked so awesome. I want to feel the sand between my toes. How sad is it that we live 7 minutes from the beach and never go?
I want… To live in a drama-free world. Drama is not necessary and doesn’t get anyone anywhere.
I want… To not have to work quite so hard, maybe just for a little bit. It’s not in my genes to NOT work, but it sure would be nice to just sit back and not worry about how everything will get done for a bit.
I want… To sleep a full 8 hours. Please, Blue and Ozzie, can you maybe just let that happen every once in awhile? Mommy loves you, but she needs her sleep.
I want… To find the off-switch for my brain. It does not need to always be on, especially at night.
I want… To not worry. I worry about everything. Somehow things still work out, but the energy I exert worrying is exhausting.
I want… To feel like all the hard work we are doing will pay off one day. And I’m talking work, not weight loss. We bust our butts at work, please tell me one day we will reap the rewards of it.
I want… To wake up in the morning without anxiety. I had anxiety a several years ago and finally got it under control. I feel like it’s slowly creeping back in… I know stress brings it on, so I need to control that stress to get rid of the anxiety. The thought of anxiety makes me more anxious.
That’s better… Seriously, I’m not sure why everything has to seem so hard sometimes. This is why I so strongly focus on myself when I’m not working. I NEED to run, otherwise it’s likely I would need an anti-depressant. I NEED to take care of myself. I NEED to do things that I enjoy on my off-time. I NEED to not be negative because that won’t get me anywhere.
Thank you for listening to my rambling… What would you like to get off your chest today? I am all ears since you listened to me!
Two weeks from tomorrow, on Sunday November 18, I will be doing my second half-marathon – the Women’s Half Marathon in St. Petersburg. Yesterday morning, as I was running 3.11 miles at the park, I realized that I am so not prepared. Dealing with my sciatica right when I was supposed to start training for the half was not the plan. However, I did run most of the 5K yesterday and that was a first since my injury.
On one hand, I am so happy to be where I am now, considering 11 weeks ago I could hardly even walk, let alone think about running. And while I have not been consistent with any sort of training, I am able to move without pain.
On the other hand, I think I am INSANE for even attempting a half-marathon right now. How am I going to complete it? Am I going to hurt myself? Will I get so caught up in the moment and the adrenaline that I push myself harder than I should? What if I can’t finish in the 4-hour time limit? These are all the things running through my mind right now.
If I use the nifty calculator on McMillan Running, it tells me based on my 5K time from yesterday morning of 45:25, that I should be able to complete a half-marathon in 3:30:17. When I ran the Rock N’ Roll Half, I did it in 3:11:33. My goal in signing up for a second half-marathon was to beat my first time. Now my goal is to just finish.
Thursday night I got my confirmation email. That’s exciting. The minute I crossed the finish line at the Rock N’ Roll Half Marathon in February, I wanted to do another. Was it easy? NO. Did I enjoy every single hard minute of it? YES. I want to enjoy this again:
I can’t wait to go to the expo. I can’t wait to pick up my bib, my timing tag, and my t-shirt. There is such a rush in that.
Did I mention the medal? I want that medal. I want to add it to the other two I have, and add my bib to the box of race memorabilia I have for the year.
And then there’s the course…. It’s in downtown St. Pete just like the Rock N’ Roll Half (except the start and finish are together and the course is the opposite). That course was beautiful. I love downtown St. Petersburg. The views along the water are amazing.
So, yes. I might be insane. I know I’m nervous and scared and excited all at the same time. But damn, I want to do it. I hope, hope, hope I can get to the finish line before the 4-hour mark. Finishing is my goal. Anything better than that will be icing on the cake.
Have you ever run a race totally unprepared?
You are a wonderful person and you are stronger than you know. You take care of those you love and you do the best that you can in everything you do.
So then, why do you doubt yourself? Why do you feel like you can always do more or do better? Why do you feel so fragile? You cannot let fear and your insecurities get the best of you. You must not focus on the negatives, but rather direct that energy to all the positives in your life. Letting the negatives get the best of you only sends your fragile state of mind reeling.
You know how good you feel when you do something for yourself, when you put yourself first. You seem to fall into the trap of not taking care of yourself when you are stressed out. There will always be something stressful going on, you have to decide how best to manage that stress and not let it get the best of you.
Yesterday, you made the decision to go for a walk and that walk turned into running. You ran when you felt like it and walked when you needed to. After not running for far too many weeks, you did pretty good despite the heat. You should not be so hard on yourself and just enjoy the moment.
Do you remember how you felt when you ran your first half-marathon? You felt like you could do anything – and you can. You have the ability to accomplish anything you set your mind to. It’s the reason you signed up for another half-marathon, to feel that enormous sense of accomplishment in completing something you never thought you would do.
If you are not happy about how you feel or how you look, YOU are the only one who can do something about it, YOU are the only one who can make the right choices and change. You’ve done it before, you can do it again.
Life is too short to be stressed out about things. You cannot control everything and there is no sense in worrying about the things that you know are out of your control. Focus on YOURSELF and the rest will fall into place.
I’ve waited to post about this because I wanted good news to post. It has been a long 5 weeks, but finally, we have some good news and some closure.
At the end of February, my mom found out she had endometrial cancer. After having a biopsy and waiting 2 long weeks for the results, they told her she had a grade one tumor. There are three grades, grade one being the least bad of all. This was the hope we were hanging on to. One symptom sent her to the doctor for a check-up. Had she ignored that one symptom, she would have never known she had a tumor almost 4 inches in size. A normal annual check-up would not have found this type of cancer. To me, this is TERRIFYING.
A week after her diagnosis, she met with an oncologist who scheduled surgery for her just two weeks later. This was all moving very fast. My Aunt Darlene in California (one of many fabulous relatives!!) offered to come out to be here the week of her surgery and we could not have been more happy for the extra support. Throughout all of this, we had so many people supporting my mom from all over, it was very heart-warming, and if more family had been able to come, we know they would have.
Two weeks ago yesterday, my mom went in for surgery. Her first surgery ever in her 61 years. They were able to do it laparoscopically, with 5 small incisions. The plan was to remove lymph nodes only if they felt it necessary at that time. She did extremely well during the surgery. The surgeon explained that they also removed some lymph nodes to have them tested and it would be two weeks to find out if it had spread or not.
She has spent the last two weeks recovering amazingly well. She did not overdo anything, she napped when she needed to, took her pain pills sparingly and only if absolutely needed, and she endured the once-a-day shots from both my aunt and I in her belly to prevent blood clots.
By the end of the last week, just over a week post-surgery, she was back to walking in the afternoons, 1 to 2 miles. Everyone has been so impressed with how fast she has recovered.
Finally, yesterday was her post-op appointment with the surgeon, to find out if the cancer had spread or not. Of all days to wait for this news, it was also my dad’s birthday. We visited the cemetery at Bay Pines VA in the morning, worked for a few hours, and then finally it was time for her appointment. I, of course, was right by her side because there is no other place in the world I could have been at that moment.
The doctor, a very direct man, walked in the room with a smile on his face and said “I have some good news for you. Your lymph nodes came back clear and you do NOT need any further treatment.” Both my mom and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Her cancer was stage 1, with a tumor approximately 4 inches in size. The doctor, like everyone else, was extremely impressed by her recovery. She will go back in 4 weeks for another follow-up.
Cancer affects everyone. My dad had bladder cancer, my grandmother had breast cancer, my aunt had breast cancer, and now my mom has had endometrial cancer. It’s very easy to sit here and tell everyone to be proactive and do not ignore any little symptom that you feel isn’t right. Some cancers are genetic and some are not. Regardless, it can happen to everyone. I spent many months last year with my sister-in-law over the course of her training for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day and I heard first hand stories of how cancer had affected so many lives. None of us are immune to it. We have to be proactive.
I am so relieved and thankful that my mom is well. After losing my dad 16 months ago, the thought of something happening to my mom was terrifying. I kept strong throughout the last 5 weeks, both for my mom and my family, but I am not afraid to admit now that I was scared. Hearing the good news yesterday was the best thing and it made my day. I now know more than ever that my dad is indeed watching over us and I am positive he had a little something with yesterday’s good news.
I love you, Mommy and I am so glad you did not ignore what you knew was not right, and you did what you had to do to be well. You are stronger than you know and you are cancer-free!!